Two

Today marks the two month point since we were with our precious girl here on earth.

It's hard not be sad today. Not to think of all the things she would be doing, what she might look like and how she would have changed since her birthday. It's hard not to think of how different our life would have been today with a 3 year old a 21 month old and a new born.

But rather today I'm confronted with the fact that life had to go back to "normal" with out her. Life returned to the same routine of Ben and I getting up for work in the morning at 5:30 and the kiddos getting up to start the day at 7 and needing my every attention. No night time feedings, nighttime screaming, or baby coos in the morning.

And I'm tempted to live here.

In the sadness of what we should be experiencing right about now and what we are missing by not having Glory with us, and if it weren't for God's indescribable love for us and Christ's mighty work on the cross, I would have no other choice but to live here in the sadness and longing for what could have been.

But I'm encouraged today.

I'm encouraged because my mind can tell my heart not to despair.

It's not a matter of what we should be doing right now, because that was never the plan. The plan was for our Holiness. The plan was that God was going to be glorified through our lives and was going to transform me with His loving kindness through what appeared to be the worst event of our lives. The plan was that He was going to be magnified in my life by giving me no other place to run to in my time of need. To show me that His comfort is the only comfort that puts my soul at rest, because in Him is my salvation.

I wish I could say that I live in this hope everyday. And that I praise God every day for the trial of loosing Glory. But that is simply not true.

Why does it feel so good to dwell in sadness and self pity? It's like a hologram of water in the desert. To sit and wallow in the "poor me" feelings and the "I hurt so bad" feelings. But they are so empty. They promise to comfort but only leave me in a downward spiral of wallowing in my saddness. And I fail to remember that the times that I was tempted to dwell there, but turned my gaze upon Christ, and His loving care for me, this whole situation just looks so beautiful. It's beautiful because it is His perfect will played out in our lives. It is a chance for me to see first hand all those things I know to be true in His word, alive and at work in my life. He is more real to me in hurt than at any other time in my Christian life.

I can with out hesitation say that:

God is good when there is nothing good in me,

He is Love, on display for all to see,

He is light when the darkness closes in,

He is hope that has covered all my sin,

He is peace when my fear is crippling,

He is true even in my wandering,

He is Joy and the reason that I sing,

and He is life and in Him death has lost its sting!

Hillsong-Forever reign

It's beautiful because not only is God working in our lives and heart, but Gloria is with Him in paradise. She is basking the the blinding Glory of our Lord and savior and when I think about that it's just simply hard to be sad about. God loves our Glory more than Ben or I ever could and she has way surpassed her mommy and daddy in her knowledge of who He is because she is experiencing it first hand.

Focusing on our great Hope in Christ doesn't stop the tears. And I believe there is great healing in remembering and just being sad and grieving over Glory not being with us. But it's the self pitying that is so tempting. God is teaching me the great sacred dance between hope and grief, and for that I'm greatful because in my hurt I've seen how deep and vast His love is for me. He loves me too much to give me an easy life void of any pain that would cause me to cling to Him with every fiber of my being. So I'm learning why in James 1:2-4 it says

"count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness (or perseverance), and let steadfastness have it's full effect that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing"

This verse is more true to me than it has ever been. I desire more than ever now to keep running in my persute of Christ here on earth,because I have tasted and seen His goodness and compassion and it is amazing. It is all true and I praise Him for the trials that show me He is so real.

It's the moments that catch me by surprise that overwhelm me with heavy tears. The moments when I physically ache to hold her, to feel her snuggled up to me, to care for her and know her and love her like I love her brother and sister that the hurt seems to be too much. Its overwhelming. And this is when I know that the Lord is physically caring for me because He sends a little token to me to remind me that He is in control and loves me. And that is usually through a phone call, an email, or text message, or someone dropping by that I know in the times where I hurt so bad, He reminds me that my pain does not go unknown from Him or overlooked. (as I typed this I had to pause because 3 sweet lady's from my church just stopped by to bring me cookies and pray with me)

On that same note I want to Thank our dear friends and family from the bottom of our hearts for the love you have shown to us through the loss of our daughter. I wish I could communicate to each and every one of you who has shown compassion on us how much we are cared for by your thoughtfulness. Thank you for the cards, the flowers, the trees, the monetary gifts, the food, the emails, the texts and Facebook messages. There have been hundreds and we have read and cried over each and every act or word of love Even if we haven't been able to respond directly to you yet.

Thank you for your prayers for us. I can't explain in words how it has felt to be uplifted and held in prayer and to actually physically feel it in my soul. Especially in the first week and in the hospital room, I could physically feel the Lords prescience and I know it is because there were so many prayers on our behalf. Thank you Lord for filling us with your mercys that are new each morning and for upholding us with your righteous right hand. I have never felt it so much nor needed it so much.

The thank yous could go on and on (and they probably will as more things come to mind) but I so appreciate everyone's patients with us as we sift through the past two months. We have so much to be thankful for, and eachone of you has played a role in our healing already, so thank you for walking beside us, lifting us in prayer! "Thank you" is just not adequate..."Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer" Ps. 95:19